that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
