I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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