My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
