my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
