Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and she was petting her beer can
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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