My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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