I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
