we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize