What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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