So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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