I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
