Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
