If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
