there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Someone signed my nipple.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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