Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
