know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
