I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
