Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize