Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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