he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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