Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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