Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We have started to decorate penises.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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