I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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