shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
