No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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