There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
