At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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