I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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