I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
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