god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
