bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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