Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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