Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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