I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
