i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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