Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
