i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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