Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
