I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
