He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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