I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
