exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
