he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
