Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
