6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
