I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize