god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize