I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
