yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
