my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can't turn off my feet"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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