dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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