Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
