I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize