i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
