Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize