I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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