i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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