I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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