Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
