he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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