So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
